Climbing The Mountain Of Grief

I had a dream I saw my self standing at the bottom of a mountain, and I heard a voice saying , " You must climb this mountain ‘’ I looked at this mountain, high and forboding, and replied," I cannot climb this mountain, it is too difficult, and I’m too weak, and tired.’’ The voice came again, "You must climb it there is no other way.If you stay in the valley, you will live in its gloom forever .And as you climb, do not stay at one place for any length of time,or that will become your permanent abode.So I began to climb, and I will share some experiences with you.I found the pathway too obscure, and was told each person had to find their own path.When it was too steep to climb right up I was told to zig-zag,even though that appeared to be tracing steps over ground already worn .when the rocks were loose and slippery,I had to use both hands and feet. The morning was deceitful-and each ridge seemed from the distance to be a summit, but as I struggled up them I found ridge after ridge to be conquered.I struggled, stumbled, fell, bled and wept.I sat down gasping for breath.After a brief respite I heard him speak again "Come on, we still have much more clinbing to do, you and I.’’ After what felt like an eternity of time,I stood on top of the mountain, I breathed in the freshness of the air.I felt the warmth of the sun on my back.I saw the beauty of the small mountain flowers.And I saw new horizons out before me, beckoning me on. Today you are standing at the foot of the mountain of grief, loss and separation . Or perhaps you have already begun its climb. You know it has to be climbed, but you are weak and tired. Though others have climbed it before you,and still others will climb it after you, your path will be ill signed and abscure, for your path is for you alone . There will be times when you appearto be wandering aimlessly in your grief, retracing your steps;struggling with emotions you felt you had already conquered,for your feelings and your grief are deceitful. After much struggling you will think you have arrived, only to discover that there is still more struggle ahead of you. So you will struggle, stumble,fall, bleed and weep.And you will sit down in utter despair and lonliness, seeking a brief respite from the efforts, and these feelings are alright! But eventually, each in your own time, you will finally stand on the peak of the mountain of grief. You will have conqured. The air will be fresh again .

~Author Unknown~

IN THE SHADOW OF MY DESPAIR

You have no idea just how I feel unless you're in my shoes. No way you can comprehend the depth of sorrow in my blues. The shock carried me away when my child died, a cloud like calm enveloped me as friends hugged me and we cried. They then felt the bitter pain putting themselves in my place, envisioning the loss of their child as they gazed upon his face. They at once realized how vulnerable one could truly be how painful that reality was brought clear for them to see. To see such a beautiful child lying cold and lifeless in his funeral bier strikes terror in any parents' heart that there child could too expire. Uncomfortable, people don't know what to say so you hear, "if there is anything that I can do..." feeling helpless in a situation so difficult to get through. So many people often exclaim," I don't know how you do it, I love my children so awfully much there is no way I could get through it." My God! Does this mean because I am calm I love my child less? How else could I handle it, under such great duress? God grants us a little time a short period that we are numb with shock to attend to funeral arrangements and the ability to even talk. It is when the wake is over the funeral said and done the graveside interment finished or the ashes scattered in the sun.These acts of life's finality start to erode the facade of calm and the reality of my great loss breaks down God's numbing balm. It is said that grief takes time at least two years most experts agree before a semblance of normalcy will start to return to me. At times I feel quite normal in fact almost good and then the boom is lowered as I expected that it would. Intense pain then returns and racks my very soul, depression I have never known before starts to take its toll. The real world fades away... people talk and are not heard, apathy surrounds my being it's difficult to utter a word. Tears flow in a sudden flood with deep convulsive groans wails of torment escape my throat that vibrates from my bones. As an exhausted shell of myself I feel washed out and spent the intensity diminishing from this scenario of my lament. I slowly then recover and feeling better in part, it seems a great weight has been lifted temporarily from my heart. It is these intense feelings other people do not perceive not realizing the profundity of pain that each day I do receive. Their lives go on, as before with a modicum of change their petty priorities seem unimportant that in their lives they do arrange. I have a lowered tolerance for trivial problems that people exclaim no time for their trifling complaints or who won the baseball game. I understand that it is my perception it is no fault of their own, but I cannot help the way I'm feeling caught in this "grieving zone". I wonder how long it will take before I lose a friend because of my intolerable moods that could put a friendship to end. I think that friends that truly care will always be by my side and in the shadow of my despair their love will still reside. It may take several years before I can stand tall again and I will thank God for the loving arms of the people I still call a friend.

Author Unknown

Forever Changed!

Can you see the change in me? It may not seem so obvious to you. I participate in family activities. I attend family reunions. I can plan family holidays. You tell me you are glad to see that I don't cry anymore. But I do cry! When everyone has gone, when it is safe, the tears fall. I cry in privacy so my family doesn't worry. I cry until I'm exhausted and I can finally sleep. You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude. But I am not strong. I feel that I have lost control; and I panic when I think about tomorrow... next week... next year. I go about the routine of my job. I do what I have to do, and I even smile. You tell me you're glad to see I'm "over" the death of my loved one. But I'm not "over" it. If I get over it I will be the same as before my loved one died. I will never be the same. At times I think I am beginning to heal. But the pain of losing someone I loved so much has left a permanent scar on my heart. I visit my neighbors. You tell me that you're glad to see I'm holding up so well. Sometimes I want to lock the door and hide from the world. I spend time with friends. I seem calm and collected. I smile when appropriate. You tell me its good to see me back to "my old self." But I will never be back to "my old self" Death and grief have touched my life and I am forever changed.

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